What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 08:04
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im still living with it.
Why does a narcissist act like it's nothing when they hurt you?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Ive learnt so much.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
This is soul school!.
Have you ever regretted not hitting on a older women?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why does Boko Haram attack its own Muslims?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Is it possible to achieve spiritual enlightenment while being in a romantic relationship?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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We all went to grammer schools
I said to her
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But, we were locked up after school.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I think the readers, may guess!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I write beautiful poetry .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She found it foreign!.
I was seconnd youngest,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Who then, do I blame.?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was 9 years of age.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My life is so biszare .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Put me off passion for life!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Would this be the day?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i do to all so called friends.?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Especially a lifetime of it.
So whats the point in blame.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My family never makes their pension either.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And i lived it daily.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I will be 64.
What did i know ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I have no regrets .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Comes on , in middle age.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We were not on the streets..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She married twice! .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
I was scared of men, in general
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But it wasn’t much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She loved him until the end.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was very sick at this time too.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So, i spoilt her more .
She was in good health!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I could never make a relationship work though!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I waited trembling.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
When she asked me how she looked .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He resisted the act ,that day.
All the time i was locked up.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I don,t even have a pension.
He knew the spot.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One cannot live in the past .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.